


The Little Psycho

by Minion_Energon_101



Series: TF2 Freakshow Stories [3]
Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Children, Alternate Universe - Parents, Babysitting, Bad Decisions, Gen, Gift Fic, Random & Short, TF2 Freaks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 06:37:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17360885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minion_Energon_101/pseuds/Minion_Energon_101
Summary: [Kid!AU by @girzapata6 on Tumblr, and this is a small gift for it!]Ass Pancakes lost all the kids he was babysitting, but not on purpose! They ran away, and he's been chasing them all across the city. And they happen to be at the house when he comes back, tired.And so does one of the parents, Gentlespy. And he's suspiciously locked out of the house.





	The Little Psycho

**Author's Note:**

> All credit goes to girzapata6, I just did a small, silly thing for them! Go check them out!
> 
> Also, T for ONE swear word and mentions of mass murder.

“Fine, open the damn door! I got nothing to hide!” Ass Pancakes said as he stepped out of the way with his hands in the air, his heart dropping in his chest as he did so.

He’d been locked out of the house he’d been babysitting in and one of the parents… guardians… whatever they were, Gentlespy, literally standing at the door he owned and wrestling with him to gain access to the doorknob. It was embarrassing, but he was panicking,  _ okay _ ?!

Gentlespy glared at him from his place at the door, eyeing the figity Freak from his stance at his home’s entrance. They had left Ass Pancake's home with their kids for one night and the BLU Scout was acting very volatile and aggressive, grabbing Gentlespy’s arm and pushing him by his shoulder with his free arm to get him to let go of the door handle. If Ass Pancake's hadn’t given in to Gentlespy’s threats and return shoves, he’s sure the neighbors would be out one window and he wasn’t going to be sorry.

“Why are you being so suspicious?” Gentlespy hissed and fished his keys out of his suit pocket. He jingled the many keys on the keyring trying to find his house key as he continued to talk. “But I can guess why, just with you out here. You left them alone and they locked you out, I’m guessing?”

Ass Pancakes actually had the gall to scoff back at the Spy and slammed his hands into his baggy pants as his look grew nasty. “No! No, no, no!  _ I  _ didn’t do a thing, that… that,” He threw his hand in a circle as he tried to summon the words, bitterly, “brat with the black accessories, that Sniper--!”

As the Scout raved about his innocence, the Freak across from him stopped searching for his house keys and looked at the Scout from his peripherals. The key he stopped on -- a key to a secret room he had in Switzerland -- he rubbed between his index finger and thumb, almost mimicking nervous fidgeting.

“--he just kept urging them on and then that stupid, weird, floating body soon just flew out of… Are you even listening to me?!” The Scout noticed the Spy wasn’t doing anything, but didn’t take in his nervous gestures. 

Gentlespy, at the sound of the babysitter locked  _ outside  _ the house snapping at him, flinched inwards at the prodding but scowled at Ass Pancake’s tone physically. “No, I don’t need your excuses for doing a bad job. I don’t know how Polite Spy thought this was a good idea in the first place, we could have just left Sny home, he didn’t do much…”

Gentlespy began searching for the key again as Ass Pancake crosses his arms and turns away. It wasn’t that the BLU Scout didn’t want to fight for his integrity, because he did, but it kinda hurt to hear that. He hadn’t lost the kids on purpose or because he wasn’t watching them, but because of that Christian Brutal Sniper kid managing to sneak everyone away from him when he had fetched the small Heavy a sandwich wrapped up in the fridge. He’d looked for them for so long, and then that “Snyphurr” thing had shown up and offered him a ride back to the house before disappearing. Ass was never much of a backwards speaker so whatever the abomination had said to him had been on deaf ears. He’d been… scared since he lost them, and he didn’t know why. Was it the fact they were kids? Was it because of how many parents would kill him when they got home? Was it because Polite Spy had personally called him and put faith in him where no one else had, maybe? He had no clue, but finding the house locked from the inside and spying all the kids on the couch asleep through the window, he’d almost had time to knock and wake them up when he heard a car pull up. Gentlespy’s car.

The Spy Freak grabbed the handle and slipped his house key into the lock, pushing the door open when he pulled the keys out. He stepped inside and Ass Pancakes followed behind him, sulking. 

All the kids were asleep on the couch, just like when Ass Pancakes was looking through the window. Ass Pancakes sighed internally that the kids didn’t just wake up instantly to prove they’d been faking to make him look even worse in front of Gentlespy. Vagineer was using a old blanket to rest on and was as far away from the slumbering group at the other end of the couch as physically possible, but he slumbered on as the two came indoors. The group on the right end of the couch slumbered on as well, with Christian Brutal Sniper in the middle and having everyone else laying on him. Except Painis Cupcake, who was curled in the older boys lap like a cat and kicking his leg in the air as he slept. 

The Spy made a  _ humph  _ sound in his throat as he took in each kid. No cuts, no bruises, no bumps, no blood from a random killing spree… While the kids were fine, that still left his suspicion on why the BLU Scout had been so jumpy at the door. He’d deal with that later, after he finished his carpooling duty for today.

He moved forward and kneeled next to the couch, gently shaking awake each kid he had to transport. Intelligent Heavy was the only one who had woken up with enough energy to stand on his own, picking up the small bag of toys they brought with them that was neatly packed in the corner. Gentlespy slowly slid Painis off of CBS, laying the Sniper against a pillow and covering him up as he failed to stir. He picked Painis up and the small Freak put up little resistance to being picked up by Gentlespy. As Gentlespy put Painis under his right arm, he turned and picked up Vagineer as the kid raised his hands to be hoisted into his arms. As Vagineer settled against his chest and gripped his collar, he stood up and turned to the babysitter who was kicking his own feet near the doorway. 

“I’ll be dropping them off at their homes, and bringing back Pure Spy and Polite Spy to discuss what happened today.” The RED Spy said and straightened up Painis, who was slipping out from under his arm. “You may leave once I come back with them, but I warn you: we will discuss this once…”

Ass Pancake’s looked up as the Spy trailed off. He watched as the Spy turned around and looking at the floor, he looked down as well to see Christian Brutal Sniper pulling on the Spy’s pants leg.

The Spy, ignoring the BLU Scout leaning against his wall, squatting down to the small Sniper’s level of height and frowned. “Yes?”

“He was out back.” He said, his throat sounding parched from sleeping with his mouth open. “He was checking for toys. The gate around back has to be open for him to be out front… unless he jumped it…”

The Scout wanted to react, but he was stunned. The scene in front of him wasn’t allowing him to properly react, with the Spy reading the kids face for any signs of a lie but getting a sleepy baby face with little emotion on it in return. The Spy sighed and stood at his full height, turning to the door where Intelligent Heavy was waiting with the bag. The Scout was speechless as the small Heavy opened the door for the Spy, and the Spy walked out with little response back to the Sniper.

When the door closed and the Spy was down the steps, Ass Pancakes turned on the smaller Freak.

“How did you… Why… ?” He stumbled and pointed at the kid. He was at a loss here, and way out of his element here to be asking such questions. 

The small black clothed child smiled maliciously, but lightly to his face. “Heavy’s can move fences and you left the back door unlocked, that’s how we got back in.”

That… explained a bit of the situation. Not much, but it’s good to know the semantics of his fate, kind of. He really wanted to get the reason why the kid literally snatched all the kids up and took them for a wild goose chase across town against him. He literally walked inside the house, fished a sandwich out of the fridge, and came back to an empty yard he had to clean up. Okay, maybe he went to the bathroom, dropped the sandwich after knocking over a lamp, and was forced to make a new sandwich for Intelligent Heavy; but he hadn’t done much else to deserve that today.

“You were taking forever, we honestly thought you forgot and decided to get food ourselves.” The Sniper shrugged, almost nonchalantly. 

“Out in the town?” Ass Pancakes tested, stressing the fact they left the house without telling anyone. “When there is a perfectly good fridge of food indoors?”

The Sniper waved him off. “Hindsight is 20/20… and Vagineer wanted to look for things to tinker around with. He gets bored of the same toys over and over again.”

“But I was  _ getting it _ ! Why couldn’t you wait for me? We both wouldn’t be here otherwise.” Ass Pancakes said and looked at the small Freak like he lost his mind. Was waiting too hard to ask?

“Honestly, we thought you weren’t coming back.” The Sniper casually said, smiling still. “We thought you took a nap again or… something…” He waves his hand around at the last word. 

“Oh.” His face hardened and he scoffed to the side. Great, even the children thought he couldn’t do this job. Fantastic. “Just… look, okay! Don’t just run off from me if I ever babysit again, I promise not to leave you all hanging and only fall asleep in front of you so you know I won’t be doing anything for you. Got it?”

“I think I can convince Spy to bring you back.” The Sniper humms, emotionless.

“Which one?” Ass Pancakes questions innocently.

“Polite Spy is already on your side,” The Sniper listed and held up one finger for each Spy that will be home this afternoon, that being three. “But he might back down if Pure and Gentlespy are against you coming back with reasons. All you need is one of them to back down from telling on you, the  _ only  _ one that knows anything might have gone wrong might be our best option…”

“Gentlespy?” Ass Pancakes looked skeptical at that. There was no way Gentlespy would forget this incident. “And how are you going to convince him to let it go?”

Christian Brutal Sniper appeared unruffled as he put his hand out. “I have my ways on influencing him. Deal?”

Ass Pancakes thought for a second. This kid was the oldest out of all of them and he was by far a big mastermind in making plans against him while he did work for them. He distinctly remember handing CBS the markers one day, falling asleep, and waking up stiff faced and drawn on. While that had been harmless, this was different. This kid was willing to take all his little friends all across the city, does as he pleased, and was unfeeling and mindlessly lying straight to a suspicious guardians face. All willingly and with full intent to see this through.

This kid was psycho. And he’d grow into one too. And he loved that.

He shook hands with the smaller Freak, smiling unlike how he usually does during his kid sitting job. He smiles a real, sadistic smile, like he does when he kills people. “You got a deal, kid.”

“A pleasure doing business.” The kid laughed creepily, watching the Scout as he retreats.

“You’ve been hanging around those Spy’s too much. Your starting to sound like them.”


End file.
